Escape from Kent

Trains from Kent are generally uncertain just how far they want to get into London. Some give up at London Bridge. That’s plenty far enough, they say, all change, I am not going any further. It’s dirty. Some bravely forge on and into London Cannon Street. They’ve crossed the mighty Thames and dirtied their wheels on the grim northern shore, dispensing commuters right into the maw of the Bank of England, and then sucking them each evening back to Tunbridge Wells.

Others take a braver turn, straining through the strangled knot of train lives over Borough Market as though they’re been passed by a man with an aversion to dietary fibre. Eventually, they reach Waterloo East or Charing Cross, the latter being the very heart of London, apparently.

Charing Cross, the heart of London, and better known as 'Angry Chas'.

There are two parts of Kent. The close bit which includes places like Sevenoaks which are filled with Pizza Express-fed commuters and the far bit that takes weeks to get to and has its own timezone. Something happens to time and space midway across Kent, and the distance between London Bridge and – for instance – Margate is thereafter measured in hours rather than miles. Margate is so far away it can be safely used as a dump illegal immigrants and spent nuclear waste. It’s quite possible that the Isle of Thanet has floated off to become a province of Belgium and no one recently checked Google Earth.

Why it takes so long to get to bits of Kent

There is a high-speed train line through Kent. Helpfully, it goes from St Pancras, and avoids any accusations of utility by not going anywhere useful in Kent other than France. Ebbsfleet anyone? Even people in Ebbsfleet don’t know where it is. They're lost.